Insanity

The craziest part of being crazy is that normal people come to you telling their crazy secrets. And you wonder who's crazier. At least you are honest about it. 

No longer need to impress

I used to never take a photo without makeup. Dressed to shock and heels are a must. My hair has to be done and I have to hold a solid conversation. 

These days I couldn't be bothered to have make up on. Id rather sleep in. Id go to work in what I slept in. And I hate heels. I truly loathe them. My hair is often in a mess and whenever I had to wait for someone, I had to fight the urge not to kneel on the ground or lie flat on the ground. 

I guess I no longer need to feel reassured of who I am to the public. I no longer want to impress with my physical appearance. And I just want to be comfortable. 

One thing that never change, I still feel like I am the coolest. 

I feel that this blog has been with me a long time and I need to give it a happy ending. A resolution for my younger days. 

In every story the endings the hardest to read, it's boring it's predictable and it's not full of surprises. For the most part it means that a anomaly is finally going to be normalcy and it's no longer interesting to follow. 

However, it's a good place to be. Peaceful and happy. 

Here's to good days ahead. 

Letter to KY

Dring,

How to write anything when the eyes wet before can type my thoughts. Bah. 

For the lack of flattery and worship, this will make up for it in one big chunk. I only hope you won't get too high in the clouds after a woman's declaration of love rock your day. 

I didn't expect much from you cuz I wasn't looking for a permanent companion. But time has proven. No. Time didn't do anything. You've proven. No I don't believe you've deliberately done anything. It's probably something cosmic just clicked and somehow I ended up intrigued by your ways. 

It's the twisted way you look at ordinary life and you made it interesting for me. Probably funny to others, but to a dark person like me it brings a fresh perspective. Like bringing sunshine and unicorns to mordor. Exactly like a plump fairy godmother do. 

It's how adaptable you are to my demands and how ridiculously instantaneous your changes are. It's scary though that with a little tweak you became indispensable and before that, I couldn't deal with your apathy. So what's real and what's not? I don't really care cuz I guess I have the best of all worlds. 

Mostly, you filled this void of me that's been empty with intellectual bickering and emotional connection. Can't say the same about filling my void orally though. 

I think that no matter what happened in the future and what path we take individually, there's always a compass to find each other. Not to be confused with geographic directions. But I seriously believe we bring the best out of each other and we keep each other sane. For the serious parts mostly. And it will only get better as we evolve into a bag of bones. 

When I was young I was always curious about the love my parents had for each other and lost the chance to see it almost immediately. I am very lucky to finally experience the same emotions and respect for another being. Feeling it everyday is a blessing, would be better if I am allowed to bite more. 

All love letters contain apologies and gratitude. I am obligated to continue rambling on. At this point I wish I could just say I m sorry for everything and thank you for everything. 

I am sorry for early days of conflicting reactions and communication. Perhaps it wasnt apparent but I was confused. 

I am sorry for not being ready right from the start. 

I am sorry for days I thought I could find someone better, which always result in disappointment and finally, realizing that there isn't such a person. 

I am sorry I thought you were gay. Lol. 

Thank you for unwavering trust and faith in me. I appreciate you opening up to me and letting me into your mind. Thank you for laundry and dinners. Thank you for the noise and chatter, adventures, effortless efforts and playing nice with my family. I like enjoying music with you. 

I'll always love you and even when I couldn't, I will not give up on us. If you have dark days, do remember that while burdening me is a pain, I will still be happier being depended on than being shoved away. In days when you feel nothing is going right, I'll be there to save you. When all else fails, separation is never an option that can bring happiness to me. If one day you are no longer who you are today, I'll either find you or join you in the dark side. 

Ps. The previous paragraph cannot be hold against me during petty fights, arguments, infidelity n shower requests.

Sekian. 

Your dring who seung ceh into a Beyond blasting car. 

Letter to KY

Dring,

How to write anything when the eyes wet before can type my thoughts. Bah. 

For the lack of flattery and worship, this will make up for it in one big chunk. I only hope you won't get too high in the clouds after a woman's declaration of love rock your day. 

I didn't expect much from you cuz I wasn't looking for a permanent companion. But time has proven. No. Time didn't do anything. You've proven. No I don't believe you've deliberately done anything. It's probably something cosmic just clicked and somehow I ended up intrigued by your ways. 

It's the twisted way you look at ordinary life and you made it interesting for me. Probably funny to others, but to a dark person like me it brings a fresh perspective. Like bringing sunshine and unicorns to mordor. Exactly like a plump fairy godmother do. 

It's how adaptable you are to my demands and how ridiculously instantaneous your changes are. It's scary though that with a little tweak you became indispensable and before that, I couldn't deal with your apathy. So what's real and what's not? I don't really care cuz I guess I have the best of all worlds. 

Mostly, you filled this void of me that's been empty with intellectual bickering and emotional connection. Can't say the same about filling my void orally though. 

I think that no matter what happened in the future and what path we take individually, there's always a compass to find each other. Not to be confused with geographic directions. But I seriously believe we bring the best out of each other and we keep each other sane. For the serious parts mostly. And it will only get better as we evolve into a bag of bones. 

When I was young I was always curious about the love my parents had for each other and lost the chance to see it almost immediately. I am very lucky to finally experience the same emotions and respect for another being. Feeling it everyday is a blessing, would be better if I am allowed to bite more. 

All love letters contain apologies and gratitude. I am obligated to continue rambling on. At this point I wish I could just say I m sorry for everything and thank you for everything. 

I am sorry for early days of conflicting reactions and communication. Perhaps it wasnt apparent but I was confused. 

I am sorry for not being ready right from the start. 

I am sorry for days I thought I could find someone better, which always result in disappointment and finally, realizing that there isn't such a person. 

I am sorry I thought you were gay. Lol. 

Thank you for unwavering trust and faith in me. I appreciate you opening up to me and letting me into your mind. Thank you for laundry and dinners. Thank you for the noise and chatter, adventures, effortless efforts and playing nice with my family. I like enjoying music with you. 

I'll always love you and even when I couldn't, I will not give up on us. If you have dark days, do remember that while burdening me is a pain, I will still be happier being depended on than being shoved away. In days when you feel nothing is going right, I'll be there to save you. When all else fails, separation is never an option that can bring happiness to me. If one day you are no longer who you are today, I'll either find you or join you in the dark side. 

Ps. The previous paragraph cannot be hold against me during petty fights, arguments, infidelity n shower requests.

Sekian. 

Your dring who seung ceh into a Beyond blasting car. 

Here we are again

Hah. Look who's here. All high n mighty to taunt the rest. 

It's me again. Lots have happened. I ended up with the funny guy and they said that laughters the best medicine. So it is. I m truly happy now. 

I have my own business up an running with friends working with me and learnt not to be stubborn, correct and independent. I've learnt a lot from others and continue humbly to learn today. I've learnt to feel ( I went to therapy) and I've learnt to lead. 

I feel fulfilled and as an individual I feel whole. There are times I m afraid that good times like these wouldn't last but with my emotional health now, I can enjoy good times and bad times with joy. 

These four years have been interesting, slightly rocky but interesting. I ended up with a man I seek safety and comfort in. While he lacks emotions I couldn't feel any. As I gasp for sanity and peace through the years he chilled and were by my side. 

We learnt to feel, to coexist and to love. We've been engaged but weddings not near. Our souls took some time to connect but I finally understood what others fear about me. We are both reprogram able and it's scary. I m afraid of him but then I m reminded of myself. Made the journey more worthwhile. 

This could be my first happy post and a peaceful one at that. I finally have the ending. My happy ending. N I yearn to be with him everyday. 

Funny though how detached we still are. There was a moment in time where I made a mistake when I m far away n I paid for it in revolting disgust. It haunts me still to this day that I can never bring that story to light. That is my retribution and I will bear the consequences. While he is enjoying the freedom and his life happily. We are both very happy. 

I regret that I was late in knowing him. Late in my success. Couldn't show my dad. But he lives in me n so does my mom. My stepmom is doing well with her kids and I visit them occasionally. 

And what do you know I bake now. Hah. We have 3 cats n he has way too many bikes and bicycles. 

It's kinda dull in a way, watching my friends get into relationships n fights and dramas while we settle for quiet days. Sometimes I wish I could play with men too(lately acquired the confidence for that ). N through the years there were times I was bored and I tried to do just that. Only to come running back empty handed in disappointment. It's hard to look for fun when you've already have the best playmate. N sometimes it's weirdly disappointing to realize "this is it? It's really him?" Omg. 

Oh well. First world problem I reckon. I've never really acquire the knack of flattering my other half publicly but I suppose this particular one's got his merits. Peh. 

Prelude or Ending?

Right now I am semi-awakened albeit a half-boiled egg.

It's ridiculous and mystifying how someone can forgive another for a cruel mistake, still love that person but hate at the same time and somehow want to do her after.

Yet, it is a jealous kind of love. a selfish kind of love. suffocating and drowning the other person.

Isn't it dangerous to feel that deep without any barrier of defense for protection.

Isn't it only natural that I will protect this person.

Then there is someone else who is utterly cold and devoid of compassion, driven by fear. Similar to a frightened puppy who barks and bites anyone who comes close. Thats the impression he creates, not the impression I judged.

Isn't it dangerous to be so detached from the world?

Isn't it only natural that I will want to show him the wonders.

I admit I have a dangerous craving for a challenge, the more difficult the better. Makes me a magnet to trouble and chaos. What is it that I cannot fix anyway.. pftt.

Turns out that playing god (accidentally this time) took a turn for the worst.

By protecting, I am oversheltering and like a weak pet, how can it survive when the master is gone?

In the end, everytime I leave, he is depressed. when I show a miligram of kindness, he takes it as a proposal for happily ever after. And due to overprotection, the threshold of pain he can take goes down.

By sharing wonders, I am enticing myself to the wonders and I got caught up in something that got threaded from the illusions.

In the end, temporary attraction occurs and the difference between reality and dreams become a thin red line of pain. I now realized why I could never hate anyone, hate comes from pain. When pain is inflicted on me, I just give up entirely and move on cold and blind. Bye, that's it.

It's a wonder how I screwed up so much over the course of 24 years.

How I have hurt others and hurt myself in the end. To define myself as bad would be an understatement if I attempt to define. Cruel and apocalyptic would be more appropriate.

Of course, one would not learn if one did not fall. I felt like this time, I have completed my final lesson and degree.

.. Just that I felt that I got cheated out of more money than what I could afford in the first place, so to speak.

I used to be naive and ask alot, expect stars and galaxy, hurt when I lose.

I guess it's time for the real thing. I am ready to say no until the mysterious person appears.

I been stupid. Its just a transaction. People ask can u love me just like how they ask can I buy eggs from you?

If I can't, just say no. There's no eggs, say no.

but then again what happens if u try to give eggs when u dun have any? after 5 tries, it gets difficult to no isn't it?

It's kinda quiet and lonely at night isn't it?

Thoughts

i been drunk almost everynight now.

i am stopping.

waking up.

i talked alot with people involved.

guess april's fool came early.

tomorrow. one last thing to do. before i wake up.

when i wake up i will know what i want.

will it be a good ending or a bad one this time?

let's find out.