confusion

i hate this part right here. the only thing that comforts me is assurance.

the only thing chasing me away is uncertainties.

uncertainties makes me feel unsure, unwanted, and like i m being played a fool.

who am i.

sigh...

new life

its been a long journey since i started blushberry.

i found friends. lost friends. got hurt. hurt others.

i learnt the hard way.. things I couldnt handle.. people i tried to handle.

i have grown.

after one full circle, i met new friends again... broke up. reconcile with old friends. n recovered.

(ok. in about 1 week's time. this blog is gonna be private as i will be putting up my version 2 .. n my personal blog will be there. this blog is a tad too personal to be public.)

so either you get to read this or you don't.

i m happy now. i have been compensating for another person's humor, life, happiness and temper.. if i slack for 2 out of 10 times.. i get berated by everyone around me, my family, friends his friends, him and myself as well.

"what about me. how come its always him that is being protected."

i was a coward, not daring to move or leave the comfort zone. i left. m fucking scared but I am moving on.

i am single but not looking.

the reason why I am not looking is just simple : i know exactly who i want.

n the time and tide is not right. until it is... i'll be single.

"thanks.. patience is virtue"

yes i lost my mac book pro. my friends. my relationship. my life basically. but i have gained something invaluable in return..

fml i misspelled something as someone fml. -_-

and i stopped smoking for 1 day already. clean. its amazing how much my skin cleared up.

back to topic.. i have gained a full understanding of my potential and the realization of the life I want.

i want a room full of apple products. imac. mbp. iphone.

i want a car.

after that i wanna travel.

then i want a house.

i realized my perk of getting up and driving late at night is not so weird...n the fact that i can just be silenced by the vastness of the sky and the beauty of the night is not that difficult to project to other people. just depending on who. maybe.

if you see this. thanks for reading so far. its been 6 years since this blog has started. its time to move on. the next time you are here.. u will be redirected to another website.

cheers

what can be done

now that i finally realized.
the person I really am..
i guess if I am written in fiction.. I would both hate and love my character.
perhaps that's the problem. the fact I could still love this kinda character.

I am addicted to people. their faces.
their imperfections. yes this is my first point.
their perfections.
and loved them all.
hence i loved to talk about them.

i do not have secrets. perhaps at young, my all was already bared. to everyone.
and my philosophy is :
'if i have a secret, then it means I am still in pain.'
'a secret is no longer a secret when you tell the first person.'

and sometimes.. people wouldn't announce that something they said is a secret. they expected you to know.
and more than often enough, i do not know what is a secret and what is not.

back to talking bout them. I blatantly and ruthlessly bare all.
the disrespectfulness of this i still couldn't comprehend.
cuz i thought u only reveal the secret hidings to people important to you.
perhaps I never thought that i was.
why. i supposed thats another issue.

i could cry now knowing the pain i caused others.
but i guess i should keep it inside to remind me not to do it again.
whether how i view them... i do not know if i can change.
but i do know that this is the way to stop the damages i befall upon them.

now i see the pointlessness of apologies.
but i guess punishments are in call.
just so i will never do it again

Night of Temporary Highs

Chasing temporary highs
of a perfect smile
and a perfect prince
extends a hand to me

what do you mean i m shy.
I am just choosy.

it has come.

how are you doing..
are you ok..
are you fine..
are you happy.

its painful. strickenly painful
to see the sand castle get swept away by the waves.
built it. repaired it. rebuilt. rebuilt.
in the end. it flowed away into the sea.
melting with other particles of life.
never to meet again.

will i ever see the world as a free person
who don't belong to you.
i touch myself and can only feel imprints you made on me.
i see myself and can only see you beside me.
i look around me and can only see our memories everywhere.

i feel like laughing hysterically.
i feel like crying til my heart runs out of air.
i feel like screaming hoping my screams will make everything better.

i been numb. dumb.
i never knew Sundays are so empty. so quiet.

love is like the wind.
you can't catch it. hold it. chain it.
but let it flow around you.. and feel the emotions go deep inside you
for that brief moment.
i wonder if it is only me.. who winds down the window and put my hand out while i drive.
to feel the wind.

i wonder how many drivers out there today see the beautiful sky and the clouds.
and feel the wind.

i m not free.
i m still bound by chains.
the name of my owner is still engraved on my dog tag round my neck.
wandering. lost.
looking for a key to unlock.

i wondered if you have found your painkiller yet.
i wonder if you have made new memories with someone else.
i wonder if you knew. how hard i tried. how i did not even cry. i did not even talk.

everyday..i see new faces.
i get excited.
the world is big.
it is all mine to take.
yet i couldn't take when i am in chains.

i wonder if you recall this movie.
of this story of a group of people in a prison.
when one of them gets released, he couldn't fathom the freedom.
and he end up killing himself.
he was too used to the prison.

i wonder if you knew that i was suffocating.
there are times when i waited for you. you never c0me.
there are times you waited for me. I was away. you send msgs.
to me. then to my friends.
before i could touch the keys.. the whole world is announcing and they are all worked up trying to tell me you are waiting.
and all you want to ask is what i did today. yesterday tomorrow. the day before.
i have to repeat whats in the diary. to you.
n all i really wanted to say was.. nothing happened everyday.
i do not care. i want to forget what happened everyday.

there are days i wake up. and sleep.
where you did not appear in my mind. and at night i have to tell you i miss you. i love you.
there are days i remember.. of the love that we had.
there are nights i hope my fingers can trace your jawline. and your nose.
n those times i told you i miss you. i love you.

i wonder if you could tell the difference.

there are times i realized. i have not release my chain on you.
because you are mine and mine alone.
often i feel lost. with the freedom that i have.
these are the times i feel lost without all your rules and warnings.
those are the times i should have felt irritated. just like how i felt when you existed.

somehow, the good memories have vanished.
but the bad ones are the ones I could not let go.
and they are the ones that drove me away from you.

time will not change who we are.
it will only add more scars.
the next time we meet..will we recognize each other.
will the vacant space next to our shoulder be filled with another human.
do we need to laugh and smile at the pain of seeing each other in another person's possession.

how many heartaches does it take.
to make this right.
how many beds do we need to sleep in.. to forget us.
how many more nights do i need to remove this black chain from my hand.

quenched

its funny .... there was this knot inside.. it just released.. after we talked..
its funny.. there's this incredible pain whirling inside.. it just can't come out.
its stupid.. there are rubbish everywhere..
maybe you can't tear if you are bleeding internally.

If I could...

If I could make the skies blue for you.. I would.

If I could go back to the days where we first met, I rather we not meet.
Given the chance, I rather we meet when time is on our side.

If I could go back to the sweet days of romance, I rather it not end.
Given the chance, I rather we stay the same.. instead of becoming mao maos.

If I could go back to uni days.. I rather it not end.
Given the chance, I rather us not meet each other's parents.
I rather us be in our little bubble of joy.

Given the chance, I rather us argue everyday.
Then we wouldn't pretend to accept and agree.
Then every real argument won't start cuz one of us exploded and ends up in break up.

Given the chance, I wouldn't change from the girl you once knew to the person I am.
and given the chance, I rather you not change from the guy you once was.

If there is 7 days in a week, I rather spend only 2 days with you. instead of 7.
Then we wouldn't take each other for granted.

If we knew what we did was so harmful, we wouldn't do it.
If we could just sleep and wake up to romantic days, that would be ideal.

If you could accept me and my changes, you wouldn't need to compromise.
If I could just be honest with you, I wouldn't need to pretend. and you wouldn't need to pretend that you are less committed to prevent pain.

If we are less frustrated with own selves, then we wouldn't take it out on each other.

I guess we destroyed everything.
I guess its too late.

and there is nothing to do but to cry.
for our lost love.

"Forgive me, I am this kinda girl:

I never knew my role.. fearing that I would need to make sacrifices for someone again.
To love, you need some kind of talent.
that's why I finally learn that to love, you need to give space..

I am not naive enough..
I don't allow myself to wait like an idiot.

but I am cruel to myself..
no matter how cruel, I still know my limits.

I was too serious..that's why I believe in love forever.
love makes us disappointed, thats why we pull each other down lower.

I was too responsible, I do not allow myself to have too many regrets..
but I am honest to myself, no matter how honest, I still know my limits.

I am an innocent kinda girl.. I do need some time to let out a long sigh..
those casual hugs, I keep them for people I hurt before.

You know that there are some questions that have no answers.. you still have to ask.
forgive me..cuz I am this kinda girl.."